Trying to write more speedily || An interview with Keith Akushie
09.02.17
"I need to find a guy like you."
This is a direct quote from a taxi driver today, and he was talking to my boyfriend, Ben. The driver was male, and married, but it was said with great feeling.
This was prompted by the fact that Ben flew out to Boston last night to surprise me, so that he'd be here for Valentine's Day. (I didn't say he was wrong - he should find a guy like Ben! Sorry, Mrs. Cab Driver.) Ben set up a series of tricks so that I'd never suspect it, including - unbelievable levels of deviousness! - a text about what he was buying from Sainsbury's for dinner. Like the mug that I am, I replied just with the word 'yum!!!' - a sentiment I've now formally retracted. He also tracked me on my way home from work, by asking me a series of questions about my route home, so that he could casually pop up on the street, while we were still on the phone. It's quite telling that I didn't even question why he wanted to know which way I was walking - I was genuinely happy to assume that he was just interested in the minutiae of my day, and responded accordingly, with mind-numbingly tedious detail.
Anyway, as Ben is here (hooray!) I'm now writing to you with unprecedented haste.
Evidence that he loves me:
He flew halfway across the world to surprise me for Valentine's Day.
He also supports me in all my endeavours (even the most bananas ones) so is insisting that I still write my newsletter.
Evidence that he wishes me nothing but ill:I am now being timed (truly, with an actual timer) in an effort to prove that I can do whatever I put my mind to, with a little (a lot) more discipline.
And the worst part is that he's definitely right.
People sometimes ask me how I make the time to write, alongside working a 40+ hour week, and I really wish I had a wise, impressive answer. The truth - simply and uninterestingly - is this: too much caffeine, and not enough sleep. The resemblance between me and the dormouse from Alice in Wonderland is genuinely uncanny, and if only it ended with the matching hairdos.
But of course the other truth is that I could sleep more, if if if I were more disciplined. Couldn't we all? No need to correct me there, friend.
Wednesday is my day off so that's when I write. And all too often, it starts out a lot like this:
'Whew, I could certainly do with not writing today. Yes, I really could go for that.'
The seed has been planted. Then, the rhetoric:
'Instead of writing, I could - for example - doze contentedly in front of the telly, eat an ice cream with a flake.'
Could even my ideal self defend itself against such sophistry?
Well, my ideal self probably could. Unyielding discipline is one of many desired re-jigs, along with silken cuticles, perfect recollection of all those passwords (yes, even the alpha-numeric ones) and eyebrows that aren't constantly making a bid for freedom.
However, I am but one man. I am an imperfect version of my dream self, who bears little to no resemblance to Shang Li from Mulan - my disciplinary role model, minus the rampant sexism. As such, I sometimes trundle into the procrastination station. This can be brought on my simple conditions like plain old tiredness, not enough protein, or cold bones and a pallid sky. Or it can come from a more nebulous melancholy - days when I'm less The Little Engine That Could, and more signal failures, stewed coffee from the buffet car, and half-hearted apologies for the delay. Whatever the cause, those days tend to follow a similar trajectory.
Ideally, I'll be showered, and breakfasted by 9am. This is relative luxury compared to my usual 6am wake-up. By which I mean 6:30am, because I am woefully addicted to my snooze button, but the less I dwell on that right now, the better. Then it's all downhill from there.
9:00am: Unpack my laptop
9:02am: Yikes, when did my laptop get so dusty?!
9:08am: Where did I put that cloth?
9:21am: Found it.
9:22am: That's better. Now - we begin.
9:42am: Hmm, I really should organise my desktop one of these days.
9:44am: Well, no time like the present!
10:53am: Sigh contentedly and admire new sparklingly tidied desktop. Now is the moment to settle down and -
10:54am: Ooh must hydrate. Very important.
10:55am: Very, very important.
10:58am: No clean cups, eh? Ok, I'll do the washing up, and watch a jolly YouTube video while I do it. Multi-Tasking is very 'me in 2017.'
11:10am: Quenched.
11:16am: Quenched but so sleepy! Coffee is the only thing for it. How can I possibly get anything done otherwise? No, it is beyond the realm of possibility.
12:00pm: LUNCH! Hooray!
12:06pm: What to have, what to have…
12:15pm: I'll just watch a bit of telly while I eat this enormous bowl of yoghurt.
1:54pm: I reckon I’m an amalgamation of all the Golden Girls. Even though I haven’t worn high heels in about eight years, I think I’d still love to have some lavender marabou mules.
2:00pm: Now to work!
2:02pm: I'll just check my emails. [To self] No but really quickly.
2:11pm: And Facebook. And Twitter. Eyes glaze over during flurry of clicking and links. Linking and clicks.
3:42pm: Sit, gazing into the middle distance. Exhausted by the news, and the non-news. The amusingly dressed pugs, and Starbucks cups riddled with inaccurately spelled names.
4:05pm: Back to work!
4:22pm: This bit is hard. Let's try it again.
5:00pm: It would be best if I took a permanent vow of silence.
5:16pm: Ok, twenty minutes of SOLID work, then you can take a break.5:26pm: Time to fix yourself a snack. Hey pal, you've earned it! Could a nip to the shops be on the cards?
5:30pm: No? Ok. Dry cereal it is. You've earned it.
6:04pm: I'm so sleepy! No coffee this time - I'll be up all night! That won't do.
6:05pm: Well, maybe just one cup.
8:05pm: (undisclosed cups of coffee later) Alright! Here we go! Words, words, words. Oh sure, I know loads of em!
10:00pm: If I can finish up in the next 15 minutes, it'll still be a very respectable time to go to bed.
2:58am: Ah, nuts.
But not today! Because my lovely Ben is here, and his less lovely timer is beeping.
The Cameo
My guest this week is Keith Akushie.
What’s your job title/profession?
I’m a television/film writer. I mostly write comedy but one day I’m going to start work on my idea for a space opera (not to give too much away but basically NASA sends a group of models to Mars in order to open up an Abercrombie & Fitch but things don’t go to plan)
What do you wish people would stop asking about your work?
I never really have a good answer when someone asks ‘where do you get your ideas from?’. Usually I just say something like, “I make them up” and then we stand in silence for a couple of hours.
What made you/helped you to choose what you do?
Growing up I was always into comedy and I’d watch pretty much anything on tv that was described as a ‘comedy’ no matter how good/bad it was (I watched every episode of Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place multiple times). I never particularly thought about doing this as a job but at university I started writing/performing comedy and after I graduated I (very fortunately) got a job working on the first series of the show Fresh Meat and I’ve been writing for tv since then.
What’s your perfect time to go to bed / wake up? (When do you actually go to bed / wake up?)
I’ll usually go to bed between 1-2am -- I reckon that’s the perfect time to go to bed and if anyone disagrees I’ll fight them.
What’s your alarm sound?
I’m a marimba guy through and through.
Do you have a set morning routine?
I’ll usually try to start working between 10-10.30 but I don’t really have any set routine. Although if I did have a routine I like to think it’d be something like this: Up at 6am. Go for a run. Have a shower. Go for a second run. Make myself some crepes for breakfast. Go for a third and final run to work off the crepes and then get down to work.
Do you have a dedicated/preferred space for writing? If so, what does it look like?
I tend not to work at home so I usually got to a library near Russell Square. I quite a good place to work because it’s a bit run down so no-one really goes there -- it’s usually just me and people struggling to finish their PhDs.
Preferred stationery & tools of the trade? / Essential work items?
When I’m working I’ll I usually do a lot of stuff by hand and in a slightly OCD way I’ve basically used the same type of notepad and pen since I started writing. (If anyone at Papermate is reading this please hit me up -- I’d love to chat with you about becoming the face of your brand in exchange for a lifetime supply of black Flexgrip Ultra Ballpoint pens).
Do you work with fixed goals in mind or take it day by day depending on what comes up?
I try to set a specific target for the day before I start working - so if I’m writing a script I’ll decide how many scenes I want to get done in a day. I think it makes the work feel a bit more manageable because you can focus on a small section rather than worrying about the whole thing at once.
What inspires you?
I usually listen to music while I’m working and sometimes if I’m writing something, as I go along I’ll make a playlist of songs that feel like they fit tonally with the idea. Very early on when I was working on the idea for my show Siblings sometimes I’d listen to the first part of Kesha’s album Warrior -- it’s genuinely great (up until a terrible song with Iggy Pop) and tone/vibe of the songs kind of lined up with the idea for the main characters, in that they hopefully come across as obnoxious but likeable. Essentially my main inspiration is Kesha.
How you define a good/successful day?
For me I think a successful day is probably when I come up with a fun/interesting idea that I didn’t have at the start of the day -- it might just be something relatively small like a joke or line in a scene, or it might be something bigger like an idea for a character or even a new show, but the best days are usually when you come up with something new that feels exciting.
What’s your top tip for getting shit done?
This isn’t necessarily great advice but I’d say the best way to get stuff done is to just start. I think usually starting is the hardest bit because you can get stuck worrying about the outcome of whatever you’re trying to do, but once you start most things they usually turn out fine. For example, I put off writing the answers to these questions for a few days because I wasn’t sure exactly what tone I should go for with the answers - whether to try and be ‘funny’ or be super earnest, but I think anyone who’s read this will agree that I struck exactly the right tone and that I’m amazing.
Follow Keith on Twitter (@Akushie). Not only because he's hilarious, but because maybe your support/belligerent pestering will make him start tweeting more.
I was going to use my favourite picture of Keith, in which he's wearing my favourite rainbow knitted cardie, but Google images seemed pretty adamant that I should go for this one:
Some Music
You can listen to this week's playlist on Spotify here.
A Poem
Mending Wall
by Robert Frost
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun;
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbour know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
"Stay where you are until our backs are turned!"
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, "Good fences make good neighbours."
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
"Why do they make good neighbours? Isn't it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down." I could say "Elves" to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbours."
From North of Boston, published in 1914, by David Nutt.
Links!
A brief, fascinating history of the colour blue. My favourite colour! It's also my second favourite album, least favourite boyband, and third least favourite feeling
Life, Animated is an Oscar-nominated documentary about a boy/young man with Autism, who regained his speech through the medium of Disney films. The trailer alone had me in tears, so I'm a little nervous that the whole film might make me evaporate.
According to this announcement, Lego are investing 1 billion Danish Krone ($150 million) to set up the Lego Sustainable Materials Center, as part of their latest effort to significantly reduce their carbon footprint. Hurra! (That's hooray in Danish.)
The investment announced is a testament to our continued ambition to leave a positive impact on the planet, which future generations will inherit. It is certainly in line with the mission of the LEGO Group and in line with the motto of my grandfather and founder of the LEGO Group, Ole Kirk Kristiansen: 'Only the best is good enough.'
When I went to Elsinore Castle, to play the harp in a promenade production of Hamlet (long, yet surprisingly boring story) there was a whole room in the castle just full of Lego. That was it. Just Lego. And maybe a big old tapestry. I still think of that as one of the more surreal discoveries of my (relatively uneventful, clearly) life.
And speaking of batshit medieval Danes - as I always am - one of the more cheering pockets of the internet this week has been @donaeldunready, the Twitter account that re-imagines Trump as a medieval king, obsessed with draining the East Anglian fens, locking up nuns, and building shield walls.
This interview with Nick Offerman is just as much of a treat as you might imagine.
A fascinating podcast on what neuroscience can tell us about creating a more empathetic society.
In moments of doubt, or peak procrastination, watch this little girl dancing the Flamenco*. She will give you the courage to do whatever it is you've been avoiding.
(*The flamenco? No the? I would look it up but my time is up!)
And that's it! See you next week!
Love,
Katya
The Katch-Up's header illustration is by the brilliant Tamsin Baker.